Post by King Jeff the Leviathan on Aug 17, 2014 18:17:02 GMT -6
Here's a brief run down of everyone in the league, for the new guys or the just plain clueless:
My older brother, Jay, recently became a new father. Last Christmas I gave him a subscription to ESPN the magazine so he could use the Insider feature to access all those extra fancy fantasy articles to help him step up his game this year. Surely disappointed with his 2nd to last place finish in the 13-14 season, he's desperately looking to get back in the mix this year.
Jeff "Mean-Mugger", good friend, groomsman, former roommate, and all around good-guy, is back in the league for the 3rd straight season. He takes pride in being the spoiler and crusher of dreams and playoff hopes. He'll also be looking to move up the table from last place in 2013-2014. Armed with a vicious wit, if he's not too busy checking and confirming the thread count of his sheets and dusting his plastic plants, he might hit you with the equivalent of a slap in the face or a knee to the groin.
In our first of new arrivals, we have Danny "Grumpy Gramps" aka "The Crooked-Finger Grappler", musician and local cat kicker extraordinaire best known for giving out nickles on Halloween and shouting obscenities at the neighborhood kids from his front stoop. This wildcard's fantasy football chops have yet to be confirmed, but he has extensive knowledge of the Saints and fully expects to win this shit, which is good, because it means he'll still try even when he's in last place.
The next new arrival, Tom "The Machete Madman" spends his spare time traveling the rural seasonal county fair circuit in order to compete in the weekend goldfish swallowing contests. When he's not on the road between tent shows and hitting up roadside all-you-can-eat buffets, he's cheering on his Ravens and berating 7 year olds for wetting their pants.
Matthew, musician and artist, returning for a second year of fantasy football abuse, is the kind of guy who'll draft your kicker- 5 full fucking rounds before any other kicker is picked. He's that dirty. Then he's likely to pick a second kicker, just...because. A man of principle, he doesn't draft Falcons or Cowboys (admirable) but ended last year in 6th place (not so much). We're all just happy to know his team won't be "Matthew's Team" this year. He and Danny will have an especially tense rivalry.
Colin "The Party Pooper" aka "Franky Poopypants" is a good friend, groomsman, and old college roommate. He has strong fantasy football intuition which is usually good enough to guide him to the playoffs, but not good enough to take home a trophy. He ended last season in 4th place- basically his fantasy career is serious downward trajectory which he may not ever pull out of.
Harley "The Naked Toe Tickler", most notoriously known for his foot tickling fetish (he's getting better), is also a good friend and groomsman. (If you haven't picked it up by now, I conned these guys into joining a league while at my wedding- they're such good sports)
Not satisfied with his 3rd place finish from last season, he's back and wants revenge in the worst way. Shit talker artist and abuser, his smack knows no bounds or limits. He's likely to have read 8 different 2014 fantasy draft magazines and is best prepared to draft that guy with a really high ceiling in round 2 who gets injured for the season on the second play of week 1.
Lastly, Dale, champion from last season and inaugural caretaker of the league trophy, has variously claimed he is not going to defend his title, which seems clear enough admittance of the fluke-nature of his championship victory. Normally, quitting the league would be acceptable- if you didn't have a crown to defend. The real issue at heart here is that his new woman has him pacified and subdued. The estrogeneration has reached unprecedented levels. These days he'd rather watch Love Actually or Moonstruck or Legally Blonde, sipping ginger tea and eating raisinets while wrapped up in his Snuggie with his booboo. Hopefully he comes around.
We've still one more chump to come...
My older brother, Jay, recently became a new father. Last Christmas I gave him a subscription to ESPN the magazine so he could use the Insider feature to access all those extra fancy fantasy articles to help him step up his game this year. Surely disappointed with his 2nd to last place finish in the 13-14 season, he's desperately looking to get back in the mix this year.
Jeff "Mean-Mugger", good friend, groomsman, former roommate, and all around good-guy, is back in the league for the 3rd straight season. He takes pride in being the spoiler and crusher of dreams and playoff hopes. He'll also be looking to move up the table from last place in 2013-2014. Armed with a vicious wit, if he's not too busy checking and confirming the thread count of his sheets and dusting his plastic plants, he might hit you with the equivalent of a slap in the face or a knee to the groin.
In our first of new arrivals, we have Danny "Grumpy Gramps" aka "The Crooked-Finger Grappler", musician and local cat kicker extraordinaire best known for giving out nickles on Halloween and shouting obscenities at the neighborhood kids from his front stoop. This wildcard's fantasy football chops have yet to be confirmed, but he has extensive knowledge of the Saints and fully expects to win this shit, which is good, because it means he'll still try even when he's in last place.
The next new arrival, Tom "The Machete Madman" spends his spare time traveling the rural seasonal county fair circuit in order to compete in the weekend goldfish swallowing contests. When he's not on the road between tent shows and hitting up roadside all-you-can-eat buffets, he's cheering on his Ravens and berating 7 year olds for wetting their pants.
Matthew, musician and artist, returning for a second year of fantasy football abuse, is the kind of guy who'll draft your kicker- 5 full fucking rounds before any other kicker is picked. He's that dirty. Then he's likely to pick a second kicker, just...because. A man of principle, he doesn't draft Falcons or Cowboys (admirable) but ended last year in 6th place (not so much). We're all just happy to know his team won't be "Matthew's Team" this year. He and Danny will have an especially tense rivalry.
Colin "The Party Pooper" aka "Franky Poopypants" is a good friend, groomsman, and old college roommate. He has strong fantasy football intuition which is usually good enough to guide him to the playoffs, but not good enough to take home a trophy. He ended last season in 4th place- basically his fantasy career is serious downward trajectory which he may not ever pull out of.
Harley "The Naked Toe Tickler", most notoriously known for his foot tickling fetish (he's getting better), is also a good friend and groomsman. (If you haven't picked it up by now, I conned these guys into joining a league while at my wedding- they're such good sports)
Not satisfied with his 3rd place finish from last season, he's back and wants revenge in the worst way. Shit talker artist and abuser, his smack knows no bounds or limits. He's likely to have read 8 different 2014 fantasy draft magazines and is best prepared to draft that guy with a really high ceiling in round 2 who gets injured for the season on the second play of week 1.
Lastly, Dale, champion from last season and inaugural caretaker of the league trophy, has variously claimed he is not going to defend his title, which seems clear enough admittance of the fluke-nature of his championship victory. Normally, quitting the league would be acceptable- if you didn't have a crown to defend. The real issue at heart here is that his new woman has him pacified and subdued. The estrogeneration has reached unprecedented levels. These days he'd rather watch Love Actually or Moonstruck or Legally Blonde, sipping ginger tea and eating raisinets while wrapped up in his Snuggie with his booboo. Hopefully he comes around.
We've still one more chump to come...